夜の中
ドーンを聞くだた
子猫です
よるのなか
ドーンをきくだた
こねこです
In the middle of the night
I hear a “BANG!”
It is a small kitten
秋の風
人生は何か
イチ葉ね
あきのかぜ
じんせいはなにか
イチようね
Fall wind
What is life?
It is but a single leaf
音楽堂
企鵝と海豹
パチパチだ
おんがくどう
きがとあざらし
パチパチだ
Concert hall
Penguins and seals
Went “clap clap”
In the first poem, I use katakana to express an onomatopoeia of a loud, abrupt, and startling sound. ドーン is used to represent a "BANG!" It shows how startling the sound would be in the middle of the dark/night, and how it would scare someone wondering around in the dark. This is ironic because the origin of the sound is not scary, but is actually caused by a small kitten.
In the second poem, I use katakana for emphasis. It emphasizes the number one, and portrays the frailty and fleetingness of life. It also helps emphasize how small and short a life is also.
In the third poem, katakana again expresses an onomatopoeia, but this time a clapping sound. It also functions like a verb in a way, because it shows that the audience and seals clap.
Dear Aaron-san,
ReplyDeleteI liked the way that you used katakana in all of your poems. In your first poem though, I think that "バタン" might be a better onomatopoeic usage than "ドーン". In your third poem, I think it might be interesting to put "おんがくどう" in katakana to emphasize how unusual this concert hall is. In addition, by using "オンガクドウ" instead of a more typical katakana usage such as "コンサートホール", you can emphasize how especially unusual this concert hall is.
Looking forward to reading your final version,
Stuart
P.S. Thanks for including a non-kanji version!
アーロンさん, Thanks for including a non-kanji transcription. I like the whimsical nature of your first and last haiku. I know haiku (or senryu, I can't remember which) often include an ironic twist. I think you accomplished that well there. I'm impressed by your katakana usage and how it usually has multiple functions. It adds good depth even in these short poems.
ReplyDeleteI was impressed by your writing so much. Especially, your second haiku includes the word which explains the season. That is really important to write haiku :)
ReplyDeleteDear Aaron-san,
ReplyDeleteIn your first poem I definitely get the sense that you want to bring out this sort of irony that comes from a small kitten making such a loud noise. Your use of onomatopoeia was very strategic, and thus, helpful, in making this point. However, saying "I hear a" slows down your poem and does not add to it; I know the speaker or the observer can hear. Anyone who reads this can automatically assume someone is going to hear it and removing the "I hear" does not remove from the shock value of a small kitten making a loud noise so you shouldn't worry about that. Tell me instead where this kitten is, where is this noise from; I feel that the imagery that was result from such detail would increase the overall effect the poem conjures up.
Your second poem is excellent and you needn't change anything. The theme is embodied perfectly - this sort of fleetingness of life, and your metaphor of life as a leaf worked in the portrayal of the this theme; insignificant, temporary and under the influence of forces so much more powerful than us.
Your third poem is very weird, which means that it is creative. Weird poems have much more potential than poems with banal details/imagery/themes to be great poems. Your choice to use パチパチ as a verb and onomatopoeia was excellent too. You're really playing with the language here which is what I think sensei wants to see. It creates this sort of idea that the penguins and seals are making sounds that they normally make and/or are also clapping to the performance. I think this is very interesting from a literary perspective because one does not know whether they are indeed clapping to the music or just making their own usual animal noises. We don't really have to know either. Your poem does a great job of expressing this theme. Excellent use of depiction!
Overall, great rhythm, style and use of language! Looking forward to your next draft.